[ There's a very slight frown. Is he excusing her? ..She doesn't think so. But she shakes her head a little regardless. ]
What he did...That's besides the point. I understand why, I should have anticipated it, and.. I didn't. [There's something more to the regret in her eyes, in her expression, than her voice conveys - she was angry, and rightfully so, but..] Just as you didn't. I was the one that called you there, I was the one who simply dumped him in your lap. You reached out to me, and..
[ And she lashed out. In fear. All he saw was the cold she's wrapped herself in. ] ..I'm sorry. You deserved better than that from me.
I don't think anyone could have anticipated him breaking and entering. I suppose he might be able to not arrest himself if he felt your life was in danger. [He scoffs lightly into his coffee, gaze distant and not on her.]
He wanted me to call you later, to let you know he was all right. Well. His version of 'all right'. It was a little worse than initially suspected, but you know how he is. Bounces back.
I decided that if you wanted to know, you'd be in touch. Perhaps that was rash of me. [And a little petty. And plenty passive aggressive. It's not really an apology on his end, though.
He shuffles aside, opens the door wider.] Would you like some coffee?
[ The wince isn't well hidden at the mention of danger, she had been a danger to York's life after all, and that it was "worse than initially suspected"?
If anyone had earned a bit of passive aggression, it was Carolina. She hadn't wanted to be contacted. But she should have called. She didn't. That's on her. And she's not here to receive an apology from him - she's the one owing, after all. ]
I wasn't in any sort of, fit state, to deal with others for a few days. And after that.. I didn't try. I thought-- I wouldn't have blamed you for hanging up on me if I called.
[ And yet, she's here now. And he's not turning her away. There's silence as she stares at the opening, then looks to Malcolm. And steps inside, nodding in lieu of a verbal reply. ]
I can't honestly say what I would have done had you called. Even though I knew you weren't yourself, it still stung. [With a sigh, he closes the door and meanders back kitchenward.] Are you all right? Actually and honestly?
[She does not repeat 'I'm sorry' again, lest the effect seem false, as though it were insincere. But it's evident in other ways, in her step, in how she's careful not to touch him as she steps into the house and out of his way when he heads to the kitchen.
No, she is very much Not Okay. ]
I'm better than I was. [which is true.] I've...been better. [And as close as she's willing to commit, for the moment]
I'm waiting to hear back from Delta. We're going to cross-compare the readings he did prior to my first port coma, see if we might find where the difference lies, if I... [a pause] ..Did York mention, he found evidence that I might have been affected by compliance too?
He might have said something about it. And it seems like he did much the same as he did with me, know about it and then not say anything until the least opportune moment.
Did he perhaps mention I am no longer under the grip of compliance, so far as we're aware? [It's not a smile by any means, just a smirk curling his lips.] I suppose in retrospect it might be obvious by now.
Actually, no. He found it just prior, or just after the recent...downtime that a lot of people from my timeline had. He didn't have enough evidence at the time to talk to me about it, but mentioned it offhand to Delta.
[ Who then tattled, obviously. ]
We talked about it. Given we've no idea what I could be affected by, at all, I've been keeping to myself. Just in case. [and then spiders. spiders everywhere! not helpful for the paranoid when they really ARE out to get you]
No. [ Her expression softens with surprise, then relief, followed by query and solemnness. ] He didn't mention it. I guess he left that to you, since that was your news to tell. But I'm glad to hear it.
Clair, given the amount of time you've likely been complianced, if you were going to hurt any of us, I think you would have by now. ...Under normal circumstances, not under strange spider bites, that is.
[Nice to know that at least someone will say it to Carolina straight up but let Malcolm flail about making a fucking fool of himself for ages without saying anything.]
And since I can be cured, and others, then clearly you ought to be next up on the list. Coffee? Tea? Biscuit?
You don't know that I haven't. [it's said so flatly, so bleakly, as she sits herself on her customary stool, expression weary] I don't have to hurt you for them to use me in some way to do it.
[what if she's been spying on everyone all along? Unknowingly reporting in during her sleep? ..Not likely, no, but she doesn't know. It's keeping her up at night.]
..Point conceded. [A cure certainly can't arrive soon enough. there's a wan smile] Is tea the British solution to all ills?
For all the good and ill in the world, there's always tea. I admit to liking coffee in the morning a little better, but alas, I like a good cuppa, too.
And you look like you could use one. [So he's going to just get some water going and start the steeping and such already even without her say-so.]
You know, if it was that easy to control us or influence us, you'd think they'd do it all the time or be more drastic.
[ Ask her in for coffee, end up feeding her tea. Tricksy Englishman! ]
Well, you don't hear me complaining, I promise.
Hard to say they weren't, at the beginning. The populace in the very least. The mass memory rewrites? But with their influence waning.. It's hard to say what they might attempt next.
[And she does not want to be part of that attempt.]
[Damn right there's no complaining, tea is good for you.]
Well, I know that I've had just about enough of my brain being tampered with for one lifetime. And there's no predicting them. Do you still want us to keep a distance from you?
[ This is nice. This is nice, and normal. Right up until that last question, and Carolina...does not freeze. It's not even a pause, more a slowness born of immense unease. ]
..Not want. But.. Just, a little while longer. Once I've spoken with Delta. I have to know, Malcolm. Even if we can't find the trigger right away, once I have something..
You need to know for certain. For peace of mind. [He understands, slides over a mug of tea.] It kills York a little on the inside, social and clingy as he can be, but I'll make sure he doesn't bother you even if I have to tie him to bed and tell Miss DeWitt that he won't be coming in for several days.
[She accepts the mug, relaxing as the tension within her eases. Malcolm understands. It's more than York managed, for all his claim that he listened to her when she'd talked. Hands wrap around the mug, drawing it close but not yet lifting so it might be sipped from. ]
He's clingy, isn't he, even when he tries not to be. [statement of face. She can't quite manage a smile] Sometimes I think it'd be easier on him if he didn't care so much.
[his heart bleeds so easily, exposed as it is on his sleeve. Not that hers, or Malcolm's, do not - they just hide their hurts better.]
He thinks it'd be easier that way, too. But there's nothing to be done about it, and after all, he just wouldn't be the Taylor we know and love if he wasn't just the way he is. Clingy, a little desperate for attention, the need to make things right. [A shake of his head. And a small smile. His boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.]
And it'd be easier on everyone if I wasn't this side of neurotic, but we've seen what happens when someone tries to fix it. [See? He can make light of his own compliance! Sort of.]
It's...a little less stressful. I was doing a good job fighting it before, but that's what it was. A fight. Before I could fight it, though, it was just...normal. It didn't feel strange, or else I would've known about it a lot sooner. Looking back, I must have seemed so strange. But it's less of a fight now, and it's actually rather nice to be able to get annoyed at my boyfriend and friends. Less of a lie that way.
[she hadn't thought of it being stressful but now he'd mentioned it, it made sense.] And a relief to know you're being true to yourself and not how someone else expects you to act.
There are still bumps and bruises along the way. [Ones he's not looking to share at the moment.] Relearning how to be...me. But it is such a relief whenever I can feel nervous or uncertain or frustrated about Taylor, in a strange way.
I don't think that's particularly strange, after what you've been through. Though I'm not sure what you'd have to be nervous about when it comes to him, he's pretty sincere. And not a very good liar. [better than he used to be, granted, but still falls apart when pressed]
Try convincing my subconscious that he isn't going to leave me. [That's startlingly frank, and he has to take a quiet moment to himself, reeling that back in with coffee.]
That's what it was, I mean. The compliance, whenever I had doubts about the relationships I had with the people around me. The second I jumped to some kind of awful conclusion, there it was, this serenity over me.
[ It's very frank, and she stares at him for a long moment before settling back in her chair, hands still cupped around her mug while he sorts out his thoughts. Having known the ups and the deep deep downs that their relationship has gone through, she can't really blame Malcolm for such a worry. ]
I don't know that I can. The subconscious is a tricky thing. I guess it ties back into why you think he'd leave you, what reasons he'd have to do so.
[ She refuses to be one of those reasons - but that isn't really her call, when it comes to feelings and emotions. They aren't always logical.
But she can't quite suppress a shudder as he explains the sensation, about the trigger that would set off compliance, and there's sympathy - not pity - in her eyes. ]
I can see how that would be...I don't even think distressing covers the gamut, honestly. To have that removed must leave things feeling a bit raw, even if they're much more real.
It's a lot of internal fear. For both of us. Sometimes for similar reasons. Neither of us have really...experienced something like this. And we're both afraid we're going to bollocks it up. Better to quit while ahead. [He sighs into his mug.] It's just something to...work through, slowly. Therapy is even occasionally helpful. Helps clear my head, a decluttering.
[The mug is set down, and he leans on a kitchen counter for a few moments, lips licked, gaze distant.] I fought for this. To be this again. But I can't say I don't sometimes miss that blissful, happy feeling when I didn't realize anything had changed. I felt like a...better boyfriend. If I could just stop being upset all the time.
I say this because I trust you. Because even if the circumstances, the triggers, are different, I still understand where you are. Even after how brusquely you treated me and violently you'd treated York, I trust that you're you. Because you are. Just...with something else worming around your head.
It says a lot, about how far you've come, together. By going slowly. [it's a small smile, proud of them for their progress. She can be honest about that, if nothing else] Decluttering, I hadn't thought about it in that way before, but it makes sense.
[She's quiet again when he puts his mug down, and for a moment, she's still, expressionless.] ..Well. In time, maybe you'll have that quiet feeling again. But it'll be a better sort of blissful - because it'll be on your own terms, and no one else's.
[ And isn't that the most important thing? She thinks so, anyway. But it's what Malcolm has to say next that leaves her somewhat speechless, if only for a few minutes. It is one thing to know that you have someone's trust. But it is another to hear it, spoken so sincerely, even after her own recent behaviour. Slowly, her gaze falters and falls, the corners of her mouth trying but failing to twitch upwards at the corners, until her drained mug is under scrutiny once more.
She doesn't know what to say. ...No. That's not quite right. There are words to be said, if she can manage them. ]
..Thank you, Malcolm. [she needs that understanding more than he knows, than she knew -- or maybe he did.]
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What he did...That's besides the point. I understand why, I should have anticipated it, and.. I didn't. [There's something more to the regret in her eyes, in her expression, than her voice conveys - she was angry, and rightfully so, but..] Just as you didn't. I was the one that called you there, I was the one who simply dumped him in your lap. You reached out to me, and..
[ And she lashed out. In fear. All he saw was the cold she's wrapped herself in. ] ..I'm sorry. You deserved better than that from me.
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He wanted me to call you later, to let you know he was all right. Well. His version of 'all right'. It was a little worse than initially suspected, but you know how he is. Bounces back.
I decided that if you wanted to know, you'd be in touch. Perhaps that was rash of me. [And a little petty. And plenty passive aggressive. It's not really an apology on his end, though.
He shuffles aside, opens the door wider.] Would you like some coffee?
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If anyone had earned a bit of passive aggression, it was Carolina. She hadn't wanted to be contacted. But she should have called. She didn't. That's on her. And she's not here to receive an apology from him - she's the one owing, after all. ]
I wasn't in any sort of, fit state, to deal with others for a few days. And after that.. I didn't try. I thought-- I wouldn't have blamed you for hanging up on me if I called.
[ And yet, she's here now. And he's not turning her away. There's silence as she stares at the opening, then looks to Malcolm. And steps inside, nodding in lieu of a verbal reply. ]
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No, she is very much Not Okay. ]
I'm better than I was. [which is true.] I've...been better. [And as close as she's willing to commit, for the moment]
I'm waiting to hear back from Delta. We're going to cross-compare the readings he did prior to my first port coma, see if we might find where the difference lies, if I... [a pause] ..Did York mention, he found evidence that I might have been affected by compliance too?
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Did he perhaps mention I am no longer under the grip of compliance, so far as we're aware? [It's not a smile by any means, just a smirk curling his lips.] I suppose in retrospect it might be obvious by now.
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[ Who then tattled, obviously. ]
We talked about it. Given we've no idea what I could be affected by, at all, I've been keeping to myself. Just in case. [and then spiders. spiders everywhere! not helpful for the paranoid when they really ARE out to get you]
No. [ Her expression softens with surprise, then relief, followed by query and solemnness. ] He didn't mention it. I guess he left that to you, since that was your news to tell. But I'm glad to hear it.
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[Nice to know that at least someone will say it to Carolina straight up but let Malcolm flail about making a fucking fool of himself for ages without saying anything.]
And since I can be cured, and others, then clearly you ought to be next up on the list. Coffee? Tea? Biscuit?
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[what if she's been spying on everyone all along? Unknowingly reporting in during her sleep? ..Not likely, no, but she doesn't know. It's keeping her up at night.]
..Point conceded. [A cure certainly can't arrive soon enough. there's a wan smile] Is tea the British solution to all ills?
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And you look like you could use one. [So he's going to just get some water going and start the steeping and such already even without her say-so.]
You know, if it was that easy to control us or influence us, you'd think they'd do it all the time or be more drastic.
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Well, you don't hear me complaining, I promise.
Hard to say they weren't, at the beginning. The populace in the very least. The mass memory rewrites? But with their influence waning.. It's hard to say what they might attempt next.
[And she does not want to be part of that attempt.]
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Well, I know that I've had just about enough of my brain being tampered with for one lifetime. And there's no predicting them. Do you still want us to keep a distance from you?
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[ This is nice. This is nice, and normal. Right up until that last question, and Carolina...does not freeze. It's not even a pause, more a slowness born of immense unease. ]
..Not want. But.. Just, a little while longer. Once I've spoken with Delta. I have to know, Malcolm. Even if we can't find the trigger right away, once I have something..
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He's clingy, isn't he, even when he tries not to be. [statement of face. She can't quite manage a smile] Sometimes I think it'd be easier on him if he didn't care so much.
[his heart bleeds so easily, exposed as it is on his sleeve. Not that hers, or Malcolm's, do not - they just hide their hurts better.]
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[she takes a sip of her drink, thoughtful, before tilting her head at Malcolm]
So how does it feel? Not being affected by compliance, I mean. Is it noticable now it's gone?
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It's...a little less stressful. I was doing a good job fighting it before, but that's what it was. A fight. Before I could fight it, though, it was just...normal. It didn't feel strange, or else I would've known about it a lot sooner. Looking back, I must have seemed so strange. But it's less of a fight now, and it's actually rather nice to be able to get annoyed at my boyfriend and friends. Less of a lie that way.
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[she hadn't thought of it being stressful but now he'd mentioned it, it made sense.] And a relief to know you're being true to yourself and not how someone else expects you to act.
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I don't think that's particularly strange, after what you've been through. Though I'm not sure what you'd have to be nervous about when it comes to him, he's pretty sincere. And not a very good liar. [better than he used to be, granted, but still falls apart when pressed]
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That's what it was, I mean. The compliance, whenever I had doubts about the relationships I had with the people around me. The second I jumped to some kind of awful conclusion, there it was, this serenity over me.
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I don't know that I can. The subconscious is a tricky thing. I guess it ties back into why you think he'd leave you, what reasons he'd have to do so.
[ She refuses to be one of those reasons - but that isn't really her call, when it comes to feelings and emotions. They aren't always logical.
But she can't quite suppress a shudder as he explains the sensation, about the trigger that would set off compliance, and there's sympathy - not pity - in her eyes. ]
I can see how that would be...I don't even think distressing covers the gamut, honestly. To have that removed must leave things feeling a bit raw, even if they're much more real.
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[The mug is set down, and he leans on a kitchen counter for a few moments, lips licked, gaze distant.] I fought for this. To be this again. But I can't say I don't sometimes miss that blissful, happy feeling when I didn't realize anything had changed. I felt like a...better boyfriend. If I could just stop being upset all the time.
I say this because I trust you. Because even if the circumstances, the triggers, are different, I still understand where you are. Even after how brusquely you treated me and violently you'd treated York, I trust that you're you. Because you are. Just...with something else worming around your head.
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[She's quiet again when he puts his mug down, and for a moment, she's still, expressionless.] ..Well. In time, maybe you'll have that quiet feeling again. But it'll be a better sort of blissful - because it'll be on your own terms, and no one else's.
[ And isn't that the most important thing? She thinks so, anyway. But it's what Malcolm has to say next that leaves her somewhat speechless, if only for a few minutes. It is one thing to know that you have someone's trust. But it is another to hear it, spoken so sincerely, even after her own recent behaviour. Slowly, her gaze falters and falls, the corners of her mouth trying but failing to twitch upwards at the corners, until her drained mug is under scrutiny once more.
She doesn't know what to say. ...No. That's not quite right. There are words to be said, if she can manage them. ]
..Thank you, Malcolm. [she needs that understanding more than he knows, than she knew -- or maybe he did.]
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