And you'll only hurt yourself if you do this. I suppose you find that to be a fair compensation. [He refuses to think of what it would be like were their positions reversed, how much of a hypocrite he'd sound like.] I want you protected. From all of this.
...Yes, really. Just because I'm angry at some of the decisions you've made doesn't mean I want you hurt. I still care. Why do you think I let you back here?
No, no we wouldn't. [ It's tentative, the hand he streatches to Mal. Tentative and brief. He knows it won't be returned but he wanted to make the effort anyway.
Now that he;s here. Now that he's home? Everything is starting to coil and bubble and sink in. He's offered to shoot himself. To shoot Mal. To Shoot South. To deal with Omega and Sigma. To watch Allison burn all over again. ]
I'm sorry. I'm kind of a mess. I know I have been for awhile.
[It's true, he deliberately ignores the hand. They are better than they were but only enough to be fine with York moving back in. Even if he misses York.]
I know. I'm sorry. These clones aren't going to do anything good for you, either. But if you think ignoring it would weigh on you...
No, you just might do something else destructive instead. Hopefully you won't. I don't want this to ruin any progress you've made. Sometimes it's all right to put yourself first.
No- no I won't. I have ways to not. I know it'll- [ He runs his fingers along the inside of his arm, where the second tattoo of Loki's is burned into his skin. ] I won't. I promise I won't.
Not really, not anymore. [ He rolls his sleeve back, showing the marks. ] 'Vessel of a beloved soul'. A reminder to not. I never actually hurt myself but- I'd get out of my own head sometimes. Forget this isn't real. Think it's all just a blip till I fade out for good and need something to ground me. Pain is grounding. So I'd go into cage matches in D4 and take a few hits I could've dodged. Lean into them here and there.
Just to get bruises.
I've wanted to for different reasons the past few weeks but I haven't. The urge pops up but- I don't. Hurting me's hurting people that care about me. So I....don't.
[He could be upset about the tattoo--he's been recently--but the tat is not the point. York's feelings are the point. Malcolm comes to sit by him heavily, clap a hand on his shoulder.]
I'm glad for that. You're a much stronger individual than you give yourself credit for.
She doesn't take my shit- so that helps. When I told her about moving out for awhile she made gave me a sippy cup and told her to tell her when I felt like handling my shit like an adult.
[ So it works for him. It's entirely different from what he'd had to put up with in the project.
Every pass of Malcolm's hand has him going loose, relaxed. Melting into it. ]
Not that I left- but that I left everyone. Cut myself off completely. You and North needing space- that was reasonable. The extreme I took it to was not.
[ He dares to tip over just a bit, brush their shoulders together. ]
We try. You manage. I'm- learning to manage. [ He's trying to be realistic but something about having this much back for even a short while helps him relax enough to hope. ]
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[ and enough will have to be enough. It's still awful. It'll be awful again- but it won't be as awful. ]
Should I just let them dissolve? It hurt them. You saw how much it hurt them.
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[ There, that's one bit out, But the protection thing that-
That has him confused. They were on the rocks, weren't they? Sure they'd hugged but... ]
...Really?
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Usually when I fuck things up this bad people wash their hands of me. Except North because being hunted by your former employers kinda bonds you.
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Now that he;s here. Now that he's home? Everything is starting to coil and bubble and sink in. He's offered to shoot himself. To shoot Mal. To Shoot South. To deal with Omega and Sigma. To watch Allison burn all over again. ]
I'm sorry. I'm kind of a mess. I know I have been for awhile.
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I know. I'm sorry. These clones aren't going to do anything good for you, either. But if you think ignoring it would weigh on you...
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[ He laces his fingers together instead, eyes flicking to the far wall. Easier that way. ]
I'm not gonna say i'll be fine afterward or okay but I'm not gonna crawl into a bottle this time.
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[Best to be very blunt around York, sometimes.]
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Not really, not anymore. [ He rolls his sleeve back, showing the marks. ] 'Vessel of a beloved soul'. A reminder to not. I never actually hurt myself but- I'd get out of my own head sometimes. Forget this isn't real. Think it's all just a blip till I fade out for good and need something to ground me. Pain is grounding. So I'd go into cage matches in D4 and take a few hits I could've dodged. Lean into them here and there.
Just to get bruises.
I've wanted to for different reasons the past few weeks but I haven't. The urge pops up but- I don't. Hurting me's hurting people that care about me. So I....don't.
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I'm glad for that. You're a much stronger individual than you give yourself credit for.
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[ He leans into the touch- he can't not. He's missed that grounding presence next to him. ]
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[ So it works for him. It's entirely different from what he'd had to put up with in the project.
Every pass of Malcolm's hand has him going loose, relaxed. Melting into it. ]
S'how I know it won't be as bad this time.
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Personally, I'm still not happy that you're involving yourself at all, but you do what you have to do.
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[ He dares to tip over just a bit, brush their shoulders together. ]
It'll be okay. I'll call you afterward.
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[He doesn't mind the tipping, the brushing. This is fine. It's...actually nice to have that contact again.] If you need me, you know where I am.
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I do. Won't take long when it happens.
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