Try convincing my subconscious that he isn't going to leave me. [That's startlingly frank, and he has to take a quiet moment to himself, reeling that back in with coffee.]
That's what it was, I mean. The compliance, whenever I had doubts about the relationships I had with the people around me. The second I jumped to some kind of awful conclusion, there it was, this serenity over me.
[ It's very frank, and she stares at him for a long moment before settling back in her chair, hands still cupped around her mug while he sorts out his thoughts. Having known the ups and the deep deep downs that their relationship has gone through, she can't really blame Malcolm for such a worry. ]
I don't know that I can. The subconscious is a tricky thing. I guess it ties back into why you think he'd leave you, what reasons he'd have to do so.
[ She refuses to be one of those reasons - but that isn't really her call, when it comes to feelings and emotions. They aren't always logical.
But she can't quite suppress a shudder as he explains the sensation, about the trigger that would set off compliance, and there's sympathy - not pity - in her eyes. ]
I can see how that would be...I don't even think distressing covers the gamut, honestly. To have that removed must leave things feeling a bit raw, even if they're much more real.
It's a lot of internal fear. For both of us. Sometimes for similar reasons. Neither of us have really...experienced something like this. And we're both afraid we're going to bollocks it up. Better to quit while ahead. [He sighs into his mug.] It's just something to...work through, slowly. Therapy is even occasionally helpful. Helps clear my head, a decluttering.
[The mug is set down, and he leans on a kitchen counter for a few moments, lips licked, gaze distant.] I fought for this. To be this again. But I can't say I don't sometimes miss that blissful, happy feeling when I didn't realize anything had changed. I felt like a...better boyfriend. If I could just stop being upset all the time.
I say this because I trust you. Because even if the circumstances, the triggers, are different, I still understand where you are. Even after how brusquely you treated me and violently you'd treated York, I trust that you're you. Because you are. Just...with something else worming around your head.
It says a lot, about how far you've come, together. By going slowly. [it's a small smile, proud of them for their progress. She can be honest about that, if nothing else] Decluttering, I hadn't thought about it in that way before, but it makes sense.
[She's quiet again when he puts his mug down, and for a moment, she's still, expressionless.] ..Well. In time, maybe you'll have that quiet feeling again. But it'll be a better sort of blissful - because it'll be on your own terms, and no one else's.
[ And isn't that the most important thing? She thinks so, anyway. But it's what Malcolm has to say next that leaves her somewhat speechless, if only for a few minutes. It is one thing to know that you have someone's trust. But it is another to hear it, spoken so sincerely, even after her own recent behaviour. Slowly, her gaze falters and falls, the corners of her mouth trying but failing to twitch upwards at the corners, until her drained mug is under scrutiny once more.
She doesn't know what to say. ...No. That's not quite right. There are words to be said, if she can manage them. ]
..Thank you, Malcolm. [she needs that understanding more than he knows, than she knew -- or maybe he did.]
[He doesn't say anything, initially, in response. Lets her soak that in and work it out for herself. It isn't often he's honest in such an emotional way, blatant about his feelings and where he stands with other people. Even in therapy it can be difficult. But they both need it, especially Carolina. It's hard to trust anything when you know your brain has been played with.
Malcolm reaches a hand to cover one of hers.] We'll be here for you.
[ She does need it, and it's...more than welcome. It's necessary. She hadn't realised her confidence was so shaken by her own actions, until she realised she still had his in full. Her hand turns, so it rests palm to palm against his, fingers curling into a light grip. ]
I know. I..I do know. [a beat] I'm sorry, that I haven't been. Like I should have been. And I still owe Taylor an apology, too.
You do. And I think he'll accept it immediately; you know how he bounces back sometimes. Don't let it be easy. You did do a number on him. He does seem to recognize how unwise his actions were, at least.
[she winces, a little] If anyone should have it made difficult, it's me. I wasn't kind, when I asked you to leave. Even if he was an idiot...he didn't deserve that.
And neither did you.
[she'd warned him, she didn't have to hurt him to hurt him - and she'd found a way.]
You have the awareness enough to recognize that, even if it's after the fact. [short sigh] It's always after the fact, when something's worn off, and you feel guilty.
I was angry. [there's the slightest pull of her hand, as if instinct insists on retreat; it doesn't finish the action, staying in his] And I was...afraid. Those overruled.
...I understand that things are complicated between you two. And it's likely they're always going to be. Better to make the apology than never make it at all. That much he'll appreciate.
[ She doesn't deny it. There's no point in doing so, lying to herself and him when it's as plain as the noses on both their faces. Just a squeeze of her hand, while her expression is a touch rueful. ]
I will.
In person, I think. This isn't something I'd want to leave for text.
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That's what it was, I mean. The compliance, whenever I had doubts about the relationships I had with the people around me. The second I jumped to some kind of awful conclusion, there it was, this serenity over me.
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I don't know that I can. The subconscious is a tricky thing. I guess it ties back into why you think he'd leave you, what reasons he'd have to do so.
[ She refuses to be one of those reasons - but that isn't really her call, when it comes to feelings and emotions. They aren't always logical.
But she can't quite suppress a shudder as he explains the sensation, about the trigger that would set off compliance, and there's sympathy - not pity - in her eyes. ]
I can see how that would be...I don't even think distressing covers the gamut, honestly. To have that removed must leave things feeling a bit raw, even if they're much more real.
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[The mug is set down, and he leans on a kitchen counter for a few moments, lips licked, gaze distant.] I fought for this. To be this again. But I can't say I don't sometimes miss that blissful, happy feeling when I didn't realize anything had changed. I felt like a...better boyfriend. If I could just stop being upset all the time.
I say this because I trust you. Because even if the circumstances, the triggers, are different, I still understand where you are. Even after how brusquely you treated me and violently you'd treated York, I trust that you're you. Because you are. Just...with something else worming around your head.
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[She's quiet again when he puts his mug down, and for a moment, she's still, expressionless.] ..Well. In time, maybe you'll have that quiet feeling again. But it'll be a better sort of blissful - because it'll be on your own terms, and no one else's.
[ And isn't that the most important thing? She thinks so, anyway. But it's what Malcolm has to say next that leaves her somewhat speechless, if only for a few minutes. It is one thing to know that you have someone's trust. But it is another to hear it, spoken so sincerely, even after her own recent behaviour. Slowly, her gaze falters and falls, the corners of her mouth trying but failing to twitch upwards at the corners, until her drained mug is under scrutiny once more.
She doesn't know what to say. ...No. That's not quite right. There are words to be said, if she can manage them. ]
..Thank you, Malcolm. [she needs that understanding more than he knows, than she knew -- or maybe he did.]
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Malcolm reaches a hand to cover one of hers.] We'll be here for you.
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I know. I..I do know. [a beat] I'm sorry, that I haven't been. Like I should have been. And I still owe Taylor an apology, too.
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And neither did you.
[she'd warned him, she didn't have to hurt him to hurt him - and she'd found a way.]
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[but she can't help but think that it won't be that simple. There's only so much hurt, so much disappointment a heart can take. Even York's.]
Thank you for accepting my apology. [which is not the same as forgiveness - but it is a step]
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I know I did.
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I will.
In person, I think. This isn't something I'd want to leave for text.
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[ She trusts him. She doesn't think, feel, like she'll need him there. But York might.
If York agrees to talk with her, anyway. ]