You don't know that I haven't. [it's said so flatly, so bleakly, as she sits herself on her customary stool, expression weary] I don't have to hurt you for them to use me in some way to do it.
[what if she's been spying on everyone all along? Unknowingly reporting in during her sleep? ..Not likely, no, but she doesn't know. It's keeping her up at night.]
..Point conceded. [A cure certainly can't arrive soon enough. there's a wan smile] Is tea the British solution to all ills?
For all the good and ill in the world, there's always tea. I admit to liking coffee in the morning a little better, but alas, I like a good cuppa, too.
And you look like you could use one. [So he's going to just get some water going and start the steeping and such already even without her say-so.]
You know, if it was that easy to control us or influence us, you'd think they'd do it all the time or be more drastic.
[ Ask her in for coffee, end up feeding her tea. Tricksy Englishman! ]
Well, you don't hear me complaining, I promise.
Hard to say they weren't, at the beginning. The populace in the very least. The mass memory rewrites? But with their influence waning.. It's hard to say what they might attempt next.
[And she does not want to be part of that attempt.]
[Damn right there's no complaining, tea is good for you.]
Well, I know that I've had just about enough of my brain being tampered with for one lifetime. And there's no predicting them. Do you still want us to keep a distance from you?
[ This is nice. This is nice, and normal. Right up until that last question, and Carolina...does not freeze. It's not even a pause, more a slowness born of immense unease. ]
..Not want. But.. Just, a little while longer. Once I've spoken with Delta. I have to know, Malcolm. Even if we can't find the trigger right away, once I have something..
You need to know for certain. For peace of mind. [He understands, slides over a mug of tea.] It kills York a little on the inside, social and clingy as he can be, but I'll make sure he doesn't bother you even if I have to tie him to bed and tell Miss DeWitt that he won't be coming in for several days.
[She accepts the mug, relaxing as the tension within her eases. Malcolm understands. It's more than York managed, for all his claim that he listened to her when she'd talked. Hands wrap around the mug, drawing it close but not yet lifting so it might be sipped from. ]
He's clingy, isn't he, even when he tries not to be. [statement of face. She can't quite manage a smile] Sometimes I think it'd be easier on him if he didn't care so much.
[his heart bleeds so easily, exposed as it is on his sleeve. Not that hers, or Malcolm's, do not - they just hide their hurts better.]
He thinks it'd be easier that way, too. But there's nothing to be done about it, and after all, he just wouldn't be the Taylor we know and love if he wasn't just the way he is. Clingy, a little desperate for attention, the need to make things right. [A shake of his head. And a small smile. His boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.]
And it'd be easier on everyone if I wasn't this side of neurotic, but we've seen what happens when someone tries to fix it. [See? He can make light of his own compliance! Sort of.]
It's...a little less stressful. I was doing a good job fighting it before, but that's what it was. A fight. Before I could fight it, though, it was just...normal. It didn't feel strange, or else I would've known about it a lot sooner. Looking back, I must have seemed so strange. But it's less of a fight now, and it's actually rather nice to be able to get annoyed at my boyfriend and friends. Less of a lie that way.
[she hadn't thought of it being stressful but now he'd mentioned it, it made sense.] And a relief to know you're being true to yourself and not how someone else expects you to act.
There are still bumps and bruises along the way. [Ones he's not looking to share at the moment.] Relearning how to be...me. But it is such a relief whenever I can feel nervous or uncertain or frustrated about Taylor, in a strange way.
I don't think that's particularly strange, after what you've been through. Though I'm not sure what you'd have to be nervous about when it comes to him, he's pretty sincere. And not a very good liar. [better than he used to be, granted, but still falls apart when pressed]
Try convincing my subconscious that he isn't going to leave me. [That's startlingly frank, and he has to take a quiet moment to himself, reeling that back in with coffee.]
That's what it was, I mean. The compliance, whenever I had doubts about the relationships I had with the people around me. The second I jumped to some kind of awful conclusion, there it was, this serenity over me.
[ It's very frank, and she stares at him for a long moment before settling back in her chair, hands still cupped around her mug while he sorts out his thoughts. Having known the ups and the deep deep downs that their relationship has gone through, she can't really blame Malcolm for such a worry. ]
I don't know that I can. The subconscious is a tricky thing. I guess it ties back into why you think he'd leave you, what reasons he'd have to do so.
[ She refuses to be one of those reasons - but that isn't really her call, when it comes to feelings and emotions. They aren't always logical.
But she can't quite suppress a shudder as he explains the sensation, about the trigger that would set off compliance, and there's sympathy - not pity - in her eyes. ]
I can see how that would be...I don't even think distressing covers the gamut, honestly. To have that removed must leave things feeling a bit raw, even if they're much more real.
It's a lot of internal fear. For both of us. Sometimes for similar reasons. Neither of us have really...experienced something like this. And we're both afraid we're going to bollocks it up. Better to quit while ahead. [He sighs into his mug.] It's just something to...work through, slowly. Therapy is even occasionally helpful. Helps clear my head, a decluttering.
[The mug is set down, and he leans on a kitchen counter for a few moments, lips licked, gaze distant.] I fought for this. To be this again. But I can't say I don't sometimes miss that blissful, happy feeling when I didn't realize anything had changed. I felt like a...better boyfriend. If I could just stop being upset all the time.
I say this because I trust you. Because even if the circumstances, the triggers, are different, I still understand where you are. Even after how brusquely you treated me and violently you'd treated York, I trust that you're you. Because you are. Just...with something else worming around your head.
It says a lot, about how far you've come, together. By going slowly. [it's a small smile, proud of them for their progress. She can be honest about that, if nothing else] Decluttering, I hadn't thought about it in that way before, but it makes sense.
[She's quiet again when he puts his mug down, and for a moment, she's still, expressionless.] ..Well. In time, maybe you'll have that quiet feeling again. But it'll be a better sort of blissful - because it'll be on your own terms, and no one else's.
[ And isn't that the most important thing? She thinks so, anyway. But it's what Malcolm has to say next that leaves her somewhat speechless, if only for a few minutes. It is one thing to know that you have someone's trust. But it is another to hear it, spoken so sincerely, even after her own recent behaviour. Slowly, her gaze falters and falls, the corners of her mouth trying but failing to twitch upwards at the corners, until her drained mug is under scrutiny once more.
She doesn't know what to say. ...No. That's not quite right. There are words to be said, if she can manage them. ]
..Thank you, Malcolm. [she needs that understanding more than he knows, than she knew -- or maybe he did.]
[He doesn't say anything, initially, in response. Lets her soak that in and work it out for herself. It isn't often he's honest in such an emotional way, blatant about his feelings and where he stands with other people. Even in therapy it can be difficult. But they both need it, especially Carolina. It's hard to trust anything when you know your brain has been played with.
Malcolm reaches a hand to cover one of hers.] We'll be here for you.
[ She does need it, and it's...more than welcome. It's necessary. She hadn't realised her confidence was so shaken by her own actions, until she realised she still had his in full. Her hand turns, so it rests palm to palm against his, fingers curling into a light grip. ]
I know. I..I do know. [a beat] I'm sorry, that I haven't been. Like I should have been. And I still owe Taylor an apology, too.
You do. And I think he'll accept it immediately; you know how he bounces back sometimes. Don't let it be easy. You did do a number on him. He does seem to recognize how unwise his actions were, at least.
[she winces, a little] If anyone should have it made difficult, it's me. I wasn't kind, when I asked you to leave. Even if he was an idiot...he didn't deserve that.
And neither did you.
[she'd warned him, she didn't have to hurt him to hurt him - and she'd found a way.]
You have the awareness enough to recognize that, even if it's after the fact. [short sigh] It's always after the fact, when something's worn off, and you feel guilty.
I was angry. [there's the slightest pull of her hand, as if instinct insists on retreat; it doesn't finish the action, staying in his] And I was...afraid. Those overruled.
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[what if she's been spying on everyone all along? Unknowingly reporting in during her sleep? ..Not likely, no, but she doesn't know. It's keeping her up at night.]
..Point conceded. [A cure certainly can't arrive soon enough. there's a wan smile] Is tea the British solution to all ills?
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And you look like you could use one. [So he's going to just get some water going and start the steeping and such already even without her say-so.]
You know, if it was that easy to control us or influence us, you'd think they'd do it all the time or be more drastic.
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Well, you don't hear me complaining, I promise.
Hard to say they weren't, at the beginning. The populace in the very least. The mass memory rewrites? But with their influence waning.. It's hard to say what they might attempt next.
[And she does not want to be part of that attempt.]
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Well, I know that I've had just about enough of my brain being tampered with for one lifetime. And there's no predicting them. Do you still want us to keep a distance from you?
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[ This is nice. This is nice, and normal. Right up until that last question, and Carolina...does not freeze. It's not even a pause, more a slowness born of immense unease. ]
..Not want. But.. Just, a little while longer. Once I've spoken with Delta. I have to know, Malcolm. Even if we can't find the trigger right away, once I have something..
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He's clingy, isn't he, even when he tries not to be. [statement of face. She can't quite manage a smile] Sometimes I think it'd be easier on him if he didn't care so much.
[his heart bleeds so easily, exposed as it is on his sleeve. Not that hers, or Malcolm's, do not - they just hide their hurts better.]
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[she takes a sip of her drink, thoughtful, before tilting her head at Malcolm]
So how does it feel? Not being affected by compliance, I mean. Is it noticable now it's gone?
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It's...a little less stressful. I was doing a good job fighting it before, but that's what it was. A fight. Before I could fight it, though, it was just...normal. It didn't feel strange, or else I would've known about it a lot sooner. Looking back, I must have seemed so strange. But it's less of a fight now, and it's actually rather nice to be able to get annoyed at my boyfriend and friends. Less of a lie that way.
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[she hadn't thought of it being stressful but now he'd mentioned it, it made sense.] And a relief to know you're being true to yourself and not how someone else expects you to act.
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I don't think that's particularly strange, after what you've been through. Though I'm not sure what you'd have to be nervous about when it comes to him, he's pretty sincere. And not a very good liar. [better than he used to be, granted, but still falls apart when pressed]
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That's what it was, I mean. The compliance, whenever I had doubts about the relationships I had with the people around me. The second I jumped to some kind of awful conclusion, there it was, this serenity over me.
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I don't know that I can. The subconscious is a tricky thing. I guess it ties back into why you think he'd leave you, what reasons he'd have to do so.
[ She refuses to be one of those reasons - but that isn't really her call, when it comes to feelings and emotions. They aren't always logical.
But she can't quite suppress a shudder as he explains the sensation, about the trigger that would set off compliance, and there's sympathy - not pity - in her eyes. ]
I can see how that would be...I don't even think distressing covers the gamut, honestly. To have that removed must leave things feeling a bit raw, even if they're much more real.
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[The mug is set down, and he leans on a kitchen counter for a few moments, lips licked, gaze distant.] I fought for this. To be this again. But I can't say I don't sometimes miss that blissful, happy feeling when I didn't realize anything had changed. I felt like a...better boyfriend. If I could just stop being upset all the time.
I say this because I trust you. Because even if the circumstances, the triggers, are different, I still understand where you are. Even after how brusquely you treated me and violently you'd treated York, I trust that you're you. Because you are. Just...with something else worming around your head.
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[She's quiet again when he puts his mug down, and for a moment, she's still, expressionless.] ..Well. In time, maybe you'll have that quiet feeling again. But it'll be a better sort of blissful - because it'll be on your own terms, and no one else's.
[ And isn't that the most important thing? She thinks so, anyway. But it's what Malcolm has to say next that leaves her somewhat speechless, if only for a few minutes. It is one thing to know that you have someone's trust. But it is another to hear it, spoken so sincerely, even after her own recent behaviour. Slowly, her gaze falters and falls, the corners of her mouth trying but failing to twitch upwards at the corners, until her drained mug is under scrutiny once more.
She doesn't know what to say. ...No. That's not quite right. There are words to be said, if she can manage them. ]
..Thank you, Malcolm. [she needs that understanding more than he knows, than she knew -- or maybe he did.]
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Malcolm reaches a hand to cover one of hers.] We'll be here for you.
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I know. I..I do know. [a beat] I'm sorry, that I haven't been. Like I should have been. And I still owe Taylor an apology, too.
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And neither did you.
[she'd warned him, she didn't have to hurt him to hurt him - and she'd found a way.]
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