"Because you are. Delta, jack and lkoi could never talk to me again and it'd be awful but as long as you can still stand me I'll live happy. If I fuck this up..." Malcolm had always been special in how York looked to him, treated him. He's not the same kind of blind spot for him that delta is, but there's a lot he doesn't think about or overthinks when it comes to him. He takes a moment to breathe, to state down at his hands and catch what he's actually doing finally. Jesus.
"I'm terrified of ruining this, but not near as afraid of this working. I- I don't think I deserve good things on my life, mal, and you're one of the best things I've ever had happen to me." He huffs a soft, bitter laugh. "So I'm shooting myself in the foot every chance I get."
But he doesn't. He doesn't anymore. But he used to, didn't he? Something like a smile actually reaches his face. "We're good together. I try to be good to you."
But then York turns around and does all of this, waits forever to tell him. If this fails, he'll have succeeded in shooting himself in the foot. "What makes me different? You love those three, but then I'm on another level, and then North is--was--on another level? And what about Clair? Where does she fall in this spectrum of yours?"
"You've never hurt me like this. Not on purpose." He has to own up to the fact that he has to have hurt Malcolm badly in all this. Groveling can come later, honesty comes now.
"You are, mal. So good to me. Better than I deserve." That's obvious by how mal is at least taking to him instead of letting him pack and run like he would have otherwise. "I don't know about North. That wasn't me. It was someone I could have been but wasn't and saying something like that was a bullet to the foot. A subconscious attempt to fuck this up."
Bless the good sense he had to talk this through with his therapist first. He doubles back, takes a slow breath, and offers Malcolm his hand. "I can't trust anything about what I might think or feel about her, or what she might feel about me. I kept seeing- and she felt a life where she left the project with me. We ran away and started a family and seeing that had us both a little fucked up."
Good there's just so much all fucked up in his head, he doesn't know where to start.
"You're different because you have never wanted or expected anything from me but honesty and decency. I haven't always delivered, I know. But I want to keep trying." He swallows. "For you. Because you honestly make me happy, no strings attached. Because it's not stilted with us- we're on even ground. When I'm not being a shit. And I'm so sorry for trying to make it hard."
He doesn't know how to feel about that. Does York mean he's been trying to hurt him on purpose? Where do he and Carolina stand, exactly?
Malcolm looks at the offered hand but certainly doesn't take it. "So everyone else, they expected something else from you. They expected something else, and you still loved them for it. Love them. But they don't make you happy? How can you love anyone that doesn't make you happy?"
"More or less. Probably don't mean anything by it but they do." Except delta but he's not going there. He lets his hand drop back down to his lap, eyes following shortly. Right. "Hell, we've both always been masochists."
He's said that before. Way at the beginning when mal didn't know about how he felt. When he wasn't sure how to handle it aside from ignore and pray he'd get over it.
Maybe he should have stuck with plan A. No one got hurt in plan A.
"Maybe we should take some time to think about this. For a few days. And come back with a mediator so I don't keep putting my foot in it." Not that he'll be going anywhere else. Well. Not that he'd be going to anyone else.
"I think that's one of the first sensible things you've said all day. We can clear our heads, come back fresh. And have someone in between." Not that he likes the idea of dragging someone else into this, but hell, there are already way too many people involved.
"My therapist. She declined when I asked her to help with this conversation. Says she might be seen as biased even if she isn't." Which is entirely fair.
"She might be the one to set a solid date and time for us. So neither of us have the full power here. Might be...good. I can do it. I'll--I'll get in touch with her sometime tomorrow. Tell her to set us up in a few days to talk this through."
"Okay. That'll work." A beat. "I'm- I'm not moving out but I'm going to stay somewhere else till we talk if that's okay. The warehouse I've been setting up. I should be doing something productive with all this angst, my doctor says."
"No." It should be upsetting how easy that is to admit. "I don't want this to be permanent until we figure this out, but I think it would be best if you stay out of the house for the time being. That would be for the best. For me. And Delta, and North, probably."
"Course, mal. Whatever you think is best." He'll pack a small bag when they're done...and box up most of the rest. No matter how good its going he can't shake the tendency to expect the worst.
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Day 157 Evening
"I'm terrified of ruining this, but not near as afraid of this working. I- I don't think I deserve good things on my life, mal, and you're one of the best things I've ever had happen to me." He huffs a soft, bitter laugh. "So I'm shooting myself in the foot every chance I get."
Day 157 Evening
But he doesn't. He doesn't anymore. But he used to, didn't he? Something like a smile actually reaches his face. "We're good together. I try to be good to you."
But then York turns around and does all of this, waits forever to tell him. If this fails, he'll have succeeded in shooting himself in the foot. "What makes me different? You love those three, but then I'm on another level, and then North is--was--on another level? And what about Clair? Where does she fall in this spectrum of yours?"
Day 157 Evening
"You are, mal. So good to me. Better than I deserve." That's obvious by how mal is at least taking to him instead of letting him pack and run like he would have otherwise. "I don't know about North. That wasn't me. It was someone I could have been but wasn't and saying something like that was a bullet to the foot. A subconscious attempt to fuck this up."
Bless the good sense he had to talk this through with his therapist first. He doubles back, takes a slow breath, and offers Malcolm his hand. "I can't trust anything about what I might think or feel about her, or what she might feel about me. I kept seeing- and she felt a life where she left the project with me. We ran away and started a family and seeing that had us both a little fucked up."
Good there's just so much all fucked up in his head, he doesn't know where to start.
"You're different because you have never wanted or expected anything from me but honesty and decency. I haven't always delivered, I know. But I want to keep trying." He swallows. "For you. Because you honestly make me happy, no strings attached. Because it's not stilted with us- we're on even ground. When I'm not being a shit. And I'm so sorry for trying to make it hard."
Day 157 Evening
Malcolm looks at the offered hand but certainly doesn't take it. "So everyone else, they expected something else from you. They expected something else, and you still loved them for it. Love them. But they don't make you happy? How can you love anyone that doesn't make you happy?"
Day 157 Evening
He's said that before. Way at the beginning when mal didn't know about how he felt. When he wasn't sure how to handle it aside from ignore and pray he'd get over it.
Maybe he should have stuck with plan A. No one got hurt in plan A.
"Maybe we should take some time to think about this. For a few days. And come back with a mediator so I don't keep putting my foot in it." Not that he'll be going anywhere else. Well. Not that he'd be going to anyone else.
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